JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Dio The Barista
by Sonata-Time-Flare-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Story Complete! Dio Brando works at a local coffee shop. How will he handle dealing with his most frequent customer: Johnathan Joestar? Hilarity ensues! Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

**Story**: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Dio The Barista  
**Author**: Nocturne & Aoi  
**Written**: March 2, 2020  
**Genre**: Humor/Romance  
**Rating**: T  
**Disclaimer**: We do not own Jojo, but we do own these references.

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**Chapter 1**

Stone Mask Coffee was a bit of a paradise. The little shop was a rare splash of life-giving sunlight seeping through the jungle canopy, an oasis in this desert of a downtown that was filled almost solely with towering office blocks and chain restaurants and department stores. Huge sparkling windows lined the exterior, and on the interior, they let in a cool natural light that can only be described as refreshing. Adding to this cool aesthetic were plants hanging from the rafters in decorative Aztec inspired stone pots and scattered all around the little shop. The owner, Kars, didn't seem to care much for humans but he considered it part of his "duty to the environment" to pay his workers over minimum wage. Make sure they're able to afford organic. Or something. Dio did not know or care what the intent was, only that he was getting paid more than he normally would as a barista. The pay was good and the atmosphere relaxing. Despite Dio's general distaste for the idea of doing service sector work, overall this was a pretty sweet gig. Except for one little thing: the people.

On a usual day, Stone Mask was filled with all manner of _vermin_. The dull-eyed business people shuffling in and out throughout the day to recharge weren't so bad, but there were also plenty of unwashed (or carefully groomed in order to appear unwashed), pretentious hipsters. Even these weren't so bad when compared to the strange environmentalists that Kars attracted. All of them ordering ridiculous vegan options from the menu that nobody else even touched and wearing clothes made entirely from natural, organic materials... Save for a few close and disturbingly muscular friends of the owner who seemed to deem even clothes too detrimental to environmental health. And yet, somehow, even these people were not the absolute worst customers Stone Mask Coffee had to offer. No. The most disgusting customer of all was standing right in front of Dio.

The large young man had been here a few times before, but even when Dio first laid eyes on him he found him somehow despicable. _ Jonathan Joestar._ As usual, he was dressed in the highest quality name-brand clothes, yet he wasn't the least bit flashy about it, nor did he seem to want to showcase his wealth. Where others might see this as humble or modest, Dio knew the truth. No, Jonathan wore his fine clothes over his rippling muscles like a second skin, like it was perfectly natural to have enough money to afford a whole wardrobe of them, like everybody in the world had that sort of privilege. It made Dio sick. It made Dio want to violently rip those nice clothes off him and... and...

A polite cough notified Dio that he was staring before he could figure out just what it was, he wanted to do to Jonathan. He dragged his eyes up to Jonathan's befuddled and slightly rosy face and looked him directly in his sparkling blue eyes. They were _sapphires. _They shone at Dio with such earnestness, such honesty, Dio felt the strong desire to shield his eyes, but instead he narrowed them coolly.

"How may I, Dio, help you?"

"Um, yeah..." Johnathan said, a little nervous after Dio's delayed question. "I'll have a large French vanilla latte with uh. Extra cream. Oh, and uh. A slice of that lemon cake."

Dio arched one of his eyebrows at the sweet order. Jonathan smiled sheepishly. _Sickeningly sweet_.

"Right. That'll be $8.69." He sneered as Jonathan pulled the cash out of his wallet. Their fingers brushed lightly against each other during the exchange and the cruel smile quickly fell from Dio's face. He held back a shudder as his stomach coiled with... Something. Hatred, he assured himself.

Dio spent longer than usual at the quick task of counting change in order to give himself time to rein in his absolute loathing. Only when he was finished did he meet Jonathan's eyes.

"I'll have your latte ready in a moment." He said and he placed the change firmly into Jonathan's hand. This time he did not feel anything but satisfaction at his own remarkable restraint.

He turned away from the counter and began his work fixing Jonathan's coffee. As the machine whirled the copious amounts of milk and vanilla together, Dio was suddenly struck with a marvelous idea. It buzzed through him, electrifying, and all his hair stood on end with excitement.

He should spit in Jonathan's coffee.

No. He _would _spit in Jonathan's coffee. The brat clearly deserved it. Everything about him, from his naive, bright eyes, to his refined clothing, spoke of his spoiled lifestyle. Everything about him truly sickened Dio. His gentle voice, his raven hair, his gorgeous body. All of it filled Dio with disgust. And the only way for Dio to release his tension, his anger, was to spit in Jonathan's latte.

With any luck, the sheepish boy would never report him. Perhaps with his dull wit (as Dio assumed he had as he did with most people who weren't himself) he would just assume the coffee was bad and never return again to torture Dio with his presence. In any case, what he was doing would certainly put his job on the line so Dio glanced around to be sure nobody was watching. Jonathan had busied himself in studying the display case full of cakes and other sweets. The way he stood practically drooling over the little morsels gave Dio even more motivation in his actions. His eyes scanned the cafe once more, until they fell on his goody-two-shoes co-worker, Erina. She was diligently wiping a table and Dio was certain she would not pause her work to spare him a glance any time soon. If anything, he felt she avoided him at all costs, so he was in the clear to do what he had to.

He turned back to the machine just as it finished its whirling and he acted as if he had continued preparing the order as usual. The thought of Jonathan's despair had caused him to salivate, and it was clear to Dio that he was meant to do this. He lifted the cup closer to his face and the hot steam assaulted his cheeks, causing them to grow slightly red. Of course, there was no other reason, Dio was the picture of calculated calmness and would never blush for any reason. Especially not in this situation. His heart was in his throat and for a second he almost feared it would fall into the cup along with his spit. As silently as possible he gathered his saliva in the front of his mouth and let it drop with a small plop into the drink. A small string of it whipped back and dotted his lip as he did so, and he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. One last glance around assured him that nobody had seen, and gleefully he stirred the mixture and slapped a cap on it.

Dio was elated. Nothing had ever made him feel so powerful. In fact, in the midst of his ecstasy Dio had nearly forgotten that Jonathan had also ordered cake. Scooping it up, he practically danced to the counter where Jonathan was waiting.

Try as he might, Dio was unable to wipe the grin off his face, and so it was with his biggest smile of pure happiness that he said, "Here is your order!"

Bewildered, Jonathan stared at Dio's beaming face before glancing around to see if it was truly directed at him. Unable to pinpoint anyone else Dio could possibly be talking to, his eyes nervously flit to Dio's nametag before meeting his delighted face once again.

"Thank you, Dio!" He smiled as if Dio's own smile were contagious, as if he were truly happy that the self-proclaimed bara-rista was happy.

Dio's heart skipped a beat and he felt slightly sick. He felt his expression drop to his usual fake serving smile.

"Have a nice day, Jonathan." Dio watched in amusement as Jonathan's warm smile switched to surprise that he knew his name. In reality, Dio had simply gotten it from the credit card Jonathan had used sometimes, but to the bemused Jonathan he must seem clairvoyant. To Dio's irritation Jonathan did not even question his knowledge and instead his expression changed to an even sunnier smile and he picked up his coffee and nodded as he turned away.

Dio's eyes lingered on Jonathan's back as he left, and he felt a small smile twitch on his lips. He had left off the usual "please come again" from his script. With any luck, Dio would never have to see that beautiful smile of Jonathan's again. He thought of Jonathan sipping away at his saliva and he had to try his hardest to hold back the laughter in his throat.

_Yes_, he thought to himself, _that is the last I shall see of Jonathan Joestar_.

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It had been nearly a week since Dio drove Jonathan away with his saliva and frankly, after his initial high, he felt... Bored. Empty even. The thought of ruining some hapless hipster's drink was tempting, but it didn't really feel worth the risk. Dio was not the type to cause mayhem for just _anyone_, or at least not at his own expense. No, if Dio were ever to feel that satisfaction again he needed to find someone worth it. Someone he could truly hate. A nemesis, if you will.

With that thought, Dio leaned against the counter gracefully, his slender fingers cradling his face as he scanned Stone Mask. At this hour, there were hardly any patrons, and even less of those patrons were even worth a second glance.

There was one man with the most hideous dye job Dio had ever seen, a pink and purple mess that looked vaguely like an octopus. It was as if this man had slipped into a scene phase as part of his mid-life crisis. This in and of itself should be enough for Dio to hate him more than the average person, yet somehow all he felt was confusion and a kind of begrudged respect. He could not imagine the confidence or sheer indifference it took to walk out of the house with _that _on your head. And then there was the man with the grills. "GO GO ZEPPELI!" they read, and Dio wished "Zeppeli" would just go go far away from the shop and take his aggravating laugh with him. He might be the perfect target, but his visits were infrequent and he was always accompanied by a sardonic young man who seemed too sharp to fool, and was in the habit of glaring at Dio as if he knew him and had every reason to hate him. Dio was running out of options, and his gaze fell on a refined looking businessman imbibing an espresso in the corner. He looked pretty well-off, which was one of the factors in Dio's hatred for Jonathan, but his daring skull patterned tie was just too stylish. No, Dio would have trouble despising someone with such impeccable taste.

Dio's reverie was broken by the melodic chime of the door. As he straightened, he shifted his gaze towards the fresh meat and was met with sunshine and sapphires. He froze, save for his eyes which threatened to pop out of his skull.

What the _fuck _was Jonathan doing here?

Stunned, he watched as Jonathan approached the counter, displaying absolutely no ill intent, or at least none Dio could detect behind his dazzling smile. Could it be possible he didn't even notice the spit? Dio could not recall ever having someone spit in his drink... But maybe that just meant it was more unnoticeable than he expected. Perhaps he was not the only barista that did this, perhaps it was completely normal...

"Good afternoon, Dio!" Jonathan's voice was like a cool summer breeze, bright and refreshing. Dio could barely breathe.

"Ah... Jonathan... What brings you back here?" Dio felt nauseous.

Jonathan looked puzzled, his eyebrows furrowed, and his plump lips twisted into a slight frown. Dio stared, and felt his confusion mirrored on his own face, though of course Dio was baffled not by his own question, or even solely by Jonathan's purpose here, but by his inability to stop his heart from pounding.

"I'm... Here for the coffee?" Jonathan smiled but his eyes were still uncertain. "Is there some other reason I would be here?"

Dio licked his lips.

"Oh well of course not..." He smirked as if he had intended his question to be a joke all along, but he couldn't calm down. It was obvious the stupid oaf hadn't noticed his tampering... But the fact that he still thought the coffee was good... Dio's chest fluttered. It must be a side effect of his disgust for Jonathan. Dio coughed.

"Anyways, what can I get for you today?"

Jonathan laughed lightly and easily. His whole body shook, and his eyes sparkled. There was no way he could be so _sincere_. It just wasn't... Dio found he was holding his breath, and just as soon as he let it go Jonathan stopped laughing. Dio felt as if he had missed something precious and silently cursed Jonathan for taking whatever it was away from him.

"I'll have a large French vanilla latte with extra cream... But I was hoping you could recommend a pastry to me? I always end up having the same thing and I was wondering if you could help me?" He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously and Dio watched as his expensive shirt tightened on his large muscles.

Who was this man and how could he be this honest? There had to be some trick, there had to be some reason he was being this nice to Dio. Suspicion boiled inside him, accompanied with a strong wave of his usual hatred and... Something else. Whatever it was it made him sick.

Dio tried to smile back, but his grin faltered. "Right... Well I think these cinnamon buns might be a good fit for you." Repulsively sweet with a stickiness that was near impossible to wash off and be rid of.

Jonathan's eyes widened with anticipation and his expression became even more radiant if that was humanly possible. "That sounds great! I think I will have one of those thank you."

Dio nodded. "That's $8.42."

They briefly exchanged the cash and Dio turned away from the counter. He was dizzy. He wanted desperately to steady himself, but Jonathan was _right there, _there was no way he could show this weakness to him. The worst part of it was he had no clue why he was so affected. It was apparent Jonathan was not here to report him, but he still felt anxious and so so sick. Dio just wanted him out of his life so he could stop feeling this way. He had only one option open to him...

Spit in Jonathan's coffee. Again.

Once more, Dio turned a watchful eye towards the rest of the cafe to be sure he wouldn't be caught. The absence of a certain bicycle outside informed him that Erina had gone on her lunch break already, so he need not fear her saintly eyes. It was actually incredible how little attention was given towards he, Dio, at any given moment. If it weren't for the unethical nature of his current actions, he would be insulted, but, as it was, this seemed like a very good thing. If this was always the case, perhaps he need not be so furtive...

He continued with his plan very quickly and quietly, with almost none of the intoxicating elation he felt before. The loud shaking and whirling of the coffee machine matched Dio's imperceptible trembling. He just wanted Jonathan gone and yet as he was stirring the drink the image of his saliva in Jonathan's mouth came unbidden to his mind and sent shivers down his spine. It reminded him of something, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it. No matter, he didn't have time to dwell on these things, he just wanted to hurry up and remove Jonathan from the premises.

He whirled back towards the display case of baked goods and selected the smallest, most pathetic cinnamon bun, with barely a drizzle of icing. Dio lifted his eyes slightly to watch Jonathan's reaction as he did so, but if he was disappointed in any way he didn't show it. Dio straightened and placed the bag and the coffee on the counter between he and Jonathan. His stomach twisted as their eyes met and he wondered briefly if vomiting on a customer would be a better way to get them to never return. Despite himself, he asked a question.

"So... Last time. You liked the coffee?" Dio's voice sounded level and steady to his own ears and he silently praised himself for his good performance in adversity.

Jonathan looked perplexed. He then smiled and tilted his head slightly like the most lovable puppy in the entire world might.

"Yes of course I liked the coffee! It was sweet!" He explained as he licked his lips causing Dio's eyes to flicker towards them.

Dio's eyed widened, and his breath caught in his throat. Amidst the screeching inside Dio's mind, he realized what it was the tampered coffee reminded him of. An indirect kiss.

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**Please review and keep watch for the final chapter, as this fic is updated constantly!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Again and again Jonathan returned to Stone Mask.

Again and again Dio spit in his coffee.

It was like clockwork. Every week on a Thursday or Friday, Jonathan would stroll in with his unmatched air of friendliness and enthusiasm, so much so that Dio would not be surprised if flowers bloomed with his every step. He'd then approach the counter and bashfully ask for Dio to recommend him a dessert or some other trifle to go with his drink. After the short exchange, Dio would then complete his ritual of blessing Jonathan with his saliva, he could not even remember how many coffees he spit in in his life.

He now came to see this as a sort of territorial marking thing. Because really. Jonathan was drinking his spit. Almost nothing about that was anything like an indirect kiss, that momentary folly was merely a result of Dio's lack of words. No, what Dio felt for Jonathan was much deeper than anything so silly and romantic. He did not know exactly how to describe it in the end, even with his unmatched cleverness, but Dio did know that he _wanted_ Jonathan. And if all went according to plan, Jonathan would certainly be his.

Today, that is, if Jonathan was predictable and showed up as expected, Dio planned to ask Jonathan out. He still wasn't entirely sure how he was going to go about this, but he assumed it wouldn't be that difficult. Jonathan should be thrilled that someone as sexy and interesting as Dio would even give him the time of day... Actually, when it came down to it Dio felt he would probably be loathe to help Jonathan in any way, but that wasn't necessary for a relationship was it?

Dio lifted his head and he noticed Erina was looking his way. What did that bitch want? She quickly turned away when she realized she had been caught, but the way she began wiping that table down seemed very pointed. Dio took the hint and began occupying himself with cleaning his workspace, as it was the least busy time of day and no customers were waiting for him. The rag glided over the countertop and a tune that had been caught in Dio's head all week found its way to his lips in the form of a cheerful whistle. He circled around his workspace, deftly wiping down all the messy machinery. He was really getting into his own whistling and he began moving his hips in time with the music. He could no longer contain himself and he burst into song.

"If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?" Dio sang out as he whirled around to continue wiping around the pastry case. He then found himself eye to eye with none other than Jonathan.

Abject humiliation. There was no other way to possibly describe what Dio was feeling in that moment when Dio's golden eyes met with Jonathan's azure. The tune immediately died on his lips, the last note tumbling down to fall like a pindrop in the excruciating silence. And then Jonathan began to chuckle. Dio was mortified yet he fought through his inner turmoil and succeeded in keeping his face cool and composed. Despite himself, he could feel his eye twitch. Slowly a smiled formed on Dio's painted lips (Chambord from NYX's Macaron line). He waited patiently for Jonathan's giggle fit to subside before he began to speak.

"What can I do you for today, Jonathan?" Dio purred, not like a pleasant house cat but rather like a grown man purring.

Jonathan let out another small squeak of a laugh one that Dio could easily believe to be a nervous laugh. The rich young man's face was still pleasantly flushed from his laughter and he was slightly out of breath. Dio's stomach twisted itself in knots like it was going for a boyscout badge. He watched as Jonathan's chest rose and fell and strained against his clothes. How did Jonathan even find a sweater vest that fit that barrel chest? Dio licked his lips. If Dio had a body like that, there was no way he'd dress so stuffy, no if he had a body like that he would definitely put it on display like a trophy...

"I'll have the usual coffee. What snack looks good today, Dio?" Jonathan's voice sounded slightly strained; did he realize Dio was staring? Whatever the reason, Jonathan's uncomfortable tone made Dio rethink his first instinct to say Jonathan was the best looking snack in Stone Mask today. Instead he glanced over at the pastry case for some inspiration.

"These scones are new, if you'd like one. They're tart raspberry almond scones, but the creamy sugar glaze balances out the flavor perfectly." Dio licked his lips again and not necessarily because he was enticed by his own pastry description.

Jonathan nodded happily. "Alright, I'll have that then. Thank you so much, Dio!"

Dio grinned at Jonathan wolfishly. He rung him up and gave Jonathan his change, his hand lingering in Jonathan's for a moment too long, and his eyes staring into Jonathan's blue ones in a similarly uncomfortable way.

One polite cough from Jonathan later, and Dio was preparing Jonathan's usual extra special vanilla latte. No matter how many times he did this is was always exhilarating. The steam floating into his face, hot like his passion, and the satisfying smugness of doing something devious that nobody else knew of right in front of their faces. All of it was thrilling, but the thought of marking Jonathan as his was by far the most intoxicating. His salivation at the thought made his job all the easier, the spit falling from lips left them parted. Unconsciously, Dio's head had tilted back slightly and his eyes were half lidded. Jonathan had no clue just how _lucky _he was to be graced with the attention of a god like Dio.

In fact, he had no clue at all that he was being graced with such attention and Dio felt almost... Angry about it. Of course, spitting in someone's drink probably wasn't something you should share in this society, but Dio could not stand the fact that Jonathan was his and he didn't even know about it. What if that idiot had fallen in love with someone else? Dio grit his teeth together. Jonathan was his, and only his and he would crush anyone that got in the way of that, even Jonathan himself.

A quiet humming from the counter caught Dio's attention and he realized he had been standing there thinking for too long. He loosened his grip on Jonathan's cup, which had crumpled ever so slightly. He was sure Jonathan wouldn't mind but... Dio had an idea. And this time his idea was not spitting in coffee.

He rummaged around in his apron pocket for the sharpie he used when Stone Mask was particularly busy and he needed to write orders on cups as both he and Erina were working behind the counter. His fingers found the cool marker and he seized it with glee. Deftly he scrawled on Jonathan's latte in his most gorgeous lettering:

"❤ ❤ Be mine ❤ Call me 520-867-5309 ❤ ❤"

Dio was very proud of his aptitude for drawing hearts, he thought the way he drew them turned them into a very refined symbol. They were perhaps so stylish that for a second Dio considered adding them into his daily wardrobe. But this wasn't the time or place to be contemplating fashion, he had a man to capture.

Dio grabbed the scone, remembering at the last second the entirety of Jonathan's order, and approached the register. Jonathan was his usual smiling self and then his eyes fell on the heart adorned cup. His eyes bulged, bright cornflowers bursting from his sockets. Jonathan was white as a sheet, a ghostly pale tone that Dio had never expected to see from Jonathan's sunny, tanned complexion. His eyes would not look away from the coffee in Dio's perfectly manicured hand.

"Jonathan-" Dio began. Jonathan's eyes flew to Dio's face.

"Jojo!" Jonathan blurted, interrupting Dio. At the puzzled look on Dio's face he continued "Uh, Jojo, my name is- call me Jojo..." Jonathan's eyes had left Dio's and he was currently fiddling with his wallet. A blush had bloomed beautifully on his face.

"Jojo..." Dio said softly to himself, trying out the nickname for the first time.

Jonathan jumped ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly, but Dio's hungry eyes caught every quivering movement.

"R-right, Jojo is me!" Jojo's awkward laughter transformed into a small coughing fit. His hand rubbed the back of his neck.

"Uh um. Anyways. I'm uh- my break is almost over and I'm kinda running late! I'll, uh, I'll call you!" Jojo's hand reached for the latte and pastry bag and brushed against Dio's fingers and he recoiled back as if from a flame. He coughed sheepishly, and his eyes flit up towards Dio's once again. Dio smiled as kindly as he could manage, which made him look like a velociraptor. Jojo's face grew even redder if that was possible and he stammered another quick goodbye and grabbed his order.

Dio watched Jojo's hurried escape avidly, his eyes lingering on Jojo's big round juicy ass.

"Jojo..." He breathed, savoring the syllables on his lips. He chuckled to himself. That went better than expected.

Finally, Dio pulled his eyes away from where Jonathan had been, and he found himself looking straight into the horrified, pale face of one Erina Pendleton.

"Kars! I regret everything I've done!"

Dio was in Kars's office with Erina as she had reported seeing him spit in a customer's coffee. Kars's office was a relatively dark room, but it was covered floor to ceiling with all types of plants, vines, and even a large fish tank which provided most of the illumination in the room. In Dio's opinion, it was much more fitting for a zoo exhibit than coffee house manager's office, and right in the center behind a large bamboo desk sat the main zoological attraction. Kars was an extremely large, intimidating man with a piercing red glare, perfect eyeshadow and even more perfect luscious flowing violet hair. Dio had always greatly admired him save for one thing. He had a penchant for wearing almost no clothing save for a black silky loincloth and, today, a periwinkle tie plastered with images of kittens playing with colorful yarn. It rested against his muscular, oiled chest daintily. And all Dio could think was _what the fuck_.

Kars had not stopped glaring at him, and Dio figured he should continue to make his case.

"Being born so poor gave me these stupid ambitions! I've been foolish, trying to spit in the customer who helped me's drink, and take his money!" Dio willed the tears to fall from golden eyes, and as they trailed hotly down his face he sang triumph in his head.

"As proof of that I have come back to your office to surrender myself! I could have escaped but I want to atone for my crimes!" Dio missed the perplexed look Kars and Erina shared with one another at his last statement as he was too proud of his own clever ruse.

Erina saw it as her chance to speak up.

"Mr. Kars... Be careful! Don't trust this guy!" Her voice had an odd inflection to it, almost as if she was reading somebody else's lines.

"What?!" Dio yelled in disbelief at her exclamation. Erina shrunk back in fear.

Kars stood suddenly, his height towering in the cramped room.

"That's enough." He said with an absolute air of finality as he turned his gaze to Dio. His maroon eyes said it all. Kars disliked humanity, but at this point he considered Dio even less than humanity, less than all things in fact, nothing so dignified as even the sludge that snails were busy munching on in the fish tank behind him.

Dio felt like a paper bag.

"You're fired." Kars said in his deep, dangerous voice and Dio merely nodded and got up.

He collected his stuff and left. One of the best jobs he had ever had. It wasn't until the door closed behind him and he was alone in the alleyway that the spell was broken, and anger began to flood through Dio in burning waves.

Absolutely none of this was his fault no, no it was- an image of Kars, intimidating and powerful, flashed into his mind and he shuddered and shook it away. No this wasn't Kars's fault this was... Jonathan's! All of this was clearly Jonathan's fault! If he hadn't been so aggravating, so tempting and delicious, then none of this would have happened and Dio would still have a job. Oh, Jonathan would soon learn the consequences of messing with Dio. He would surely get his revenge.

"Jojo will pay." Dio spat vehemently. Overcome with his hatred, Dio suddenly felt the urge to yell.

"JOJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He howled viciously and startled a cat from its hiding place in the alley.

Yes... Jojo would pay for this dearly, his rival, his nemesis. Dio kicked a box out of the way from under his feet. But first... Dio needed to go apply at the McDonald's down the street.

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